Math Help Forum - View Single Post - Ex-girlfriends...is she bitter?

A Beautiful Mind · #20 June 21st, 2009, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zenjenn

Without having read all of that, two questions:

1) Why are you talking to your ex-girlfriend about your current relationship? IMO (and I'm a woman), not appropriate.

2) Why do you care what your ex-girlfriend thinks about you anyways? Enough to post about it? Are you still holding a torch for this girl?

Something for you to think about.

Maybe a little over a week ago I had a dream about her. It was actually frightening for me and I’d call it more of a nightmare because all day I seemed anxiety ridden. I think that if there was a themepark of emotions I went on almost all of the rides that day. I asked myself plenty of times why I’m letting it bother me and have tried to push on and forget it ever happened, but I haven’t been able to. It was everpresent and was like someone who was going to knock on your door until you finally opened up to answer to somebody.

First, I went to all my friends and talked about it. They told me to stay away from her because it’d just be awkward and bad for us both. That it’d bring up a lot of hurt and feelings. That’s somewhat true but what talking to her has done for me has outweighted the bad. I guess you could say that I’m in an unstable relationship and my ex-girlfriend keeps the sanity coming. I tried going a few days without talking to her after I had the dream but it just screwed up my psyche so much I had to get through it all crying and drinking. This isn’t normal behavior for me because I don’t drink normally and I don’t cry much at all. It just shook me up so bad I had to have something done about it. After I talked to her and it wasn’t really anything about the dream or about my ex-girlfirend the first day, I felt a lot better to have her included into my life again. It’s with her that I seem to only find peace this week. It could last as long as it takes to have one breath, but how long it lasts isn’t really the important part. Just that it’s there at all.

All three of us have a history together. My current girlfriend and ex-girlfriend use to be best friends. They aren’t friends anymore and my ex-girlfriend is fine with that. My girlfriend is fine with that too and it’s a mutual thing really. I came later on and well, worlds collided. The rest is something I can’t even really sit down and talk about. I don’t know, I could, but it’s just something I can’t ever jot down to explain to myself or others. It makes me feel pathetic that some things are just too hard to express. I really wish I could explain everything, but I guess it’s just one of those things where you just had to be there to understand.

It didn’t start out as me seeking help because I was having trouble with my girlfriend. I just wanted her to be in my life again because all of this time it’s been hard without someone like her. I took her into the very deepest reaches of my soul (whatever you want to call it) and she’s something I don’t really ever see getting off my mind no matter how much I could possibly try. We both wanted to know about what happened back when and try to piece what we didn’t know then. It doesn’t matter to her anymore or so she says, but everyday she says my girlfriend stole me away from her like the carpet had been ripped out from under her and everyone had a good laugh about it. She’s moved on and seems content with her life. But I don’t know if she’s just pretending or if she’s really happy. I feel so guilty because I want to be happy for her. I’m sure this new guy in her life makes her feel wonderful and I just want to accept that and move on. I don’t know what’s going on and because of it I can’t just go to bed at a normal time like I want to. I’ll lie awake tossing and turning wishing someone would calm the storms.

I don’t know how it’s possible because I’m so torn and I never know what to do anymore. For so long I’ve ignored my feelings for her and focused on my girlfriend trying to make her every day since we’ve been together happy. I’ve tried so hard, so hard to make her feel beautiful, wanted, and loved. It’s when you have that one person that’ll do anything to make you happy, that they’re so selfless they always put you first, and that’s what I’ve done. I elevated her above all my needs but it’s never enough to stop her from getting upset over the smallest things and taking her anger out on me. Making me feel like the worst person whoever walked the Earth. We almost broke up two days ago because of something petty and I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Everyone says and agrees that she’s misery and I’m the company it has…I love her, but I don’t know why anymore. After everything I’ve put up with, I’m still with her and always turn things around to make things work. I’ve been working so hard to do everything and anything to keep the relationship together and everyday it’s like our relationship’s on the brink of extinction.

I don’t want to leave her and make her unhappy. Gosh, I never wanted to make anyone unhappy. I always put people before myself cause that’s just how I am and part of the reason I let Jess go was because I knew she’d be happier. It’s so painful though, deep down that I’m doing so miserably and god, I just want to be happy!

I do love my ex-girlfriend still and I can’t even begin to think how it’s a rational thing. I never let the feelings go and I just ignored them for so long until they came back tenfold. I want to forget, but I know anywhere and everywhere she’ll be on my mind. I can’t live without either of them but at the same time it’s killing me. I wish I could tell my ex-girlfriend all of what I feel, but I can’t do that either. I know what she would say. And I feel so stuck and confused because I just want things to warp back to last year so I could figure things out. Besides, telling her that after all of this time that what I’ve felt isn’t exactly history is just going to appear sad and pathetic to her like it’ll be to everyone on here.

I just wish I knew what to do.