I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather..
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on the list.

We never really grow up,
we only learn how to act in public.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly,
and for the same reason.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening',
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

My mother never saw the irony in
calling me a son-of-a-b*tch.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
does that mean that one enjoys it?

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

I always take life with a grain of salt,
...plus a slice of lemon,
...and a shot of tequila.

I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy
and I said I want a second opinion.
He said okay, you're ugly too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you
to go to hell in such a way that you will
look forward to the trip.

With sufficient thrust,
pigs fly just fine.

Worrying works!
90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're still here."

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me.
After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b*tch.

I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire,
remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

__________________
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool, shun him. He who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child, teach him. He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep, wake him. And he who knows and knows that he knows is wise, follow him.
-- Persian Proverb