Fulldeckisms

Soroban · #1 $Old$ July 13th, 2007, 04:39 PM

. . . . . . . . . Fulldeckisms
. . . . . . (As in "He's not playing with a full deck.")

Doesn't have both oars in the water.
A couple of blocks behind the parade.
Brain like a BB in a boxcar.
All foam, no beer.
An AA battery in a D-cell world.
All icing, no cake.
A lap behind the field.
A quart low.
No rosin on his bow.
Baler's out of twine.
Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
Belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Driveway does quite reach the street.
During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
In the shallow end of the gene pool.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the penthouse.
Gets lost in thought . . . it's unfamiliar territory.
Half a bubble off plumb.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Has a hole in his bucket.
Has it floored in neutral.
His solar panels are aimed at the moon.
Has all her bricks, but no mortar.
Helmet's too tight.
Her blender doesn't go past "mix".
Has delusions of adequacy.
Eating chow mein with one chopstick.
Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hasn't got all her china in the cabinet.
He's not a complete idiot ... some parts are missing.
Closet full of hangers, but no clothes.
Her face is a threat to clocks everywhere.
Train tracks aren't quite parallel.
His head doesn't cast a shadow.
Her learning curve is fractal.
His lint trap is full.
Her sewing machine is out of thread.
His wipers don't reach the glass.
Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.
His tires are a little low.
If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
If she were dumber, she'd have to be watered twice a week.
Keeps his brain in mint condition.
If she moved any slower, she'd rust.
Lives on the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
Missed his last four scheduled tune-ups.
If you stand close to him, you can hear the ocean.
Intelligence somewhere between a pet rock and egg white.
If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you get change back.
His buffer is full.
Her head whistles in a cross wind.
His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
Her seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
His spark can't jump the gap.
Her elevator is stuck between floors.
His golf bag is short a few irons.
If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight-day week.
Long on drywall, short on studs.
Looks for the "Any" key.
Mooring lines don't quite reach the dock.
Nice house, but no furniture.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
No grain in the silo.
Dipstick doesn't reach the oil.
Not wrapped too tight.
Plays solitaire ... for cash.
Not as dumb as he looks ... but that would be impossible
One french fry short of a Happy Meal.
Not done evolving yet.
Has hit rock bottom, and has started to dig.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
As smart as a sack of hammers.
One beer short of a six-pack.
Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
One tree short of a hammock.
Serial mind in a parallel world.
Right pew, wrong church.
Slinky's kinked.
Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
One pancake short of a stack.
Some assembly required.
T minus dumb, and counting.
Was assimilated by the Borg.
One round short of a clip.
Only one beater in the bowl.
Opens his mouth just to change feet.
Receiver's off the hook.
Poster child for family planning.
Sold her car for gas money.
Stares at orange juice cartons because it says "Concentrate".
Teflon brain . . . nothing sticks.
Used to be clueless, but turned that around 360 degrees.
Cheese fell off his cracker.
Thinks that male zebras are the ones with black stripes.
Where it says, "Sign here", she writes, "Pisces".
Uses his head to keep rain out his neck.
Thinks Moby D**k is a venereal disease.
Fire's burning nicely, but the flue is closed.
His family tree is a tumbleweed.
Trips over cordless phones.
Suffers from excessive headspace.
Outlet isn't grounded.
Not shooting pool on a level table.
Knitting with one needle.
Her Wheaties have been in the milk too long.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Her carpet doesn't reach from wall to wall.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't tell which way the elevator is going if he had two guesses.
She demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
Her X, Y and Z-axes don't meet at the orign.
Skating on the wrong side of ths ice.

He/she is so far that:
. . his blood type is Ragu.
. . she could sell shade.
. . when he gets in an elevator it HAS to go down.
. . when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
. . when he goes to a restaurant, he gets an esimate first.
. . she puts on her belt with a boomerang.

And finally:
Doesn't know his asymptote from a hole in the graph.

Soroban · #2 $Old$ August 22nd, 2007, 12:36 PM

From federal employee performance evaluations

His men would follow him anywhere
but only out of morbid curiosity.

This associate is not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't-be.

Works well under constant supervision
and cornered like a rat in a traip.

When she opens her mouth,
it's only to change feet.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

He has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards
then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

This employee should not be allowed to breed.

He has the whole six-pack but is missing
that plastic thingy to hold it all together.

This employee should go far,
and the sooner, the better.

He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

He would argue with a signpost.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

Is apparently very careful with equipment,
as his tools show very little signs of wear.

He has been working too often with glue.

He has a knack for making strangers immediately.

She doesn't have ulcers; she's a carrier.

This employee has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig.