Men and Women

Soroban · #1 $Old$ August 3rd, 2007, 01:53 PM

Point System for Men

In the world of romance, one rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, those are the rules.

Simple Duties

You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -6

You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is empty, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom: -5

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5
But return with beer: -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six-iron: +8
It's her father: -10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while,
then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Her name is Amber: -5
Amber is a dancer: -8
Amber is an old girlfriend: -10

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +2
Okay, it is a sports bar: -3
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -4
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night
and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

A Night Out

You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It's called "Death Cop 3": -4
Which features cyborgs having sex: -7
You said it was a foreign film about orphans: -10

Driving

You lost the directions for the trip: -4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost: -6
You end up in a bad part of town: -8
You get lost in a bad part of town
and meet the locals up close and personal: -10
You know most of them: -20

Saturday Afternoon

You tackle a large household project: +4
Such as painting the den: +6
Or refinishing the floors: +8
Or adding a second floor: +10
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop
over the bathroom wastebacket: -8

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly: -8
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts: -20
You say, "I don't care because you have one, too": -50

Her Parents

You visit her parents: 0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the TV: -3
And the television is off: -6

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?": -5
You hesitate in responding: -10
You say, "Where?": -100

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen
with what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -50

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday: -20
You forget your anniversary: -30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -40
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -50
And the rain dissolves her leg cast: -100

Soroban · #2 $Old$ August 3rd, 2007, 02:23 PM

Why It's Great to be a Guy

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open your own jars.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something,
he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, no one notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

You drop in to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

Wedding dress: $2,000. .Tuxedo rental: $75

Your pals never ask, "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You are unable to see wrinkles or stains on your clothes.

You don't to stop and thnk of which way to turn a screw.

The same hairstyle last for years, even decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Christmas shopping for 20 relatives, on December 24th: 45 minutes.

The garage is all yours.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You don't care if no one notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near you.

You never have to drive to another garage
because this one's restroom is just too icky.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest while you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

One mood, all the time.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

Flowers fix everthing.

The National College Cheerleading Championship

You can write your name in the snow

Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you walk into the room.

You can whip off your shirt on a hot day.

You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

There's always a game on somewhere.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity
because you're not in the mood.

Bachelor parties whup ass over bridal showers.

Baywatch

You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

You almost never have a strap problem in public.

Your orgasms are real . . . always.

You can go a restaurant restroom without a support group.

Finally . . . same work, more pay!

Soroban · #3 $Old$ August 4th, 2007, 04:59 AM

Mars-Venus ... again

The Difference

Women have more imagination than men do.
They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.

Woman have many faults.
Men have only two:
Everything they say,
Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

It has been shown that women are more articulate than men.
To this I say, "Well, duh..."

Style

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Women use mascara, false eyelashes, push-up bras, girdles, hair dye
then complain, "There no real men out there."

Relationships

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Dogs are a man's best friend.
Any questions?

Love

Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women want to be a man's last love.

The only way to understand a woman is to lover her
and then it isn't necessary to understand her.

To women, love is an occupoation.
To men, a preoccupation.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Men marry because they are tired.
Women because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
before marriage and after marriage.

Husbands

Two are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way
and the other is to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are more willing to die.

A married man should forget his mistakes.
No use two people remembering the same thing.

Wives

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

Husbands are like cars: all are great the first year.

God made Adam before Eve to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.
(Probably "Does this fig leaf make me look fat?")

The Battle

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new argument.

War

Women have two devastating weapons:
cosmetics and tears.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country . . . just a different mindset.

If women ran the world, what would be the shape of missiles?

CaptainBlack · #4 $Old$ August 4th, 2007, 06:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soroban $View Post$

.

If women ran the world, what would be the shape of missiles?

I don't know but if asked if her bum looks big in one the answer is that it
looks as perfect as ever.

RonL

Soroban · #5 $Old$ August 6th, 2007, 09:50 AM

Men Bashing Jokes

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit noxious odors
and half the time they don't work.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What do you know instantly about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What's a man's defintion of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote between his rotes.

What's the difference between big Foot and intelligent men?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

What do men consider to be safe sex?
A padded headboard.

Why do only 10% of men make it Heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

How can you tell if a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in
between his neck and the noose.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the folder "Instruction Manuals".

Why are men like Colonel Sanders?
All they're concerned with are legs, breasts, and thighs.

What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
A widow.

What do men and sperm have in common?
Only one in a million have a chance of becoming a human being.

What do you call that useless piece at the end of his member?
His body.

Why do men name their members?
They don't want a stranger making 90% of their decisions.

Soroban · #6 $Old$ August 6th, 2007, 01:17 PM

Men strike back!

I married Miss Right.
I didn't know her first name was Always.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None; it should be open by time she brings it.

Don't pick up women in laundromats.
If she can't afford a washing machine,
she probably can't support you properly.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. .There's a clock on the oven.

Why women have smaller feet?
It allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Some Basic Rules

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.

Learn to work the toilet seat.
If it's up, put it down.

Ask for what you want.
Subtle hints do not work.
Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work.
Just say it!

Anything we said six months ago
is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments automatically
become null and void after seven days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask.

If something can be interpreted in two ways
and one of them makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

Come to us with a problem if you want help solving it.
That is what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions,
and neither do we.

All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach is a fruit, not a color ... the same for avocado.
We have no idea what puce or mauve is.

You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done ... not both.
If you already know best how to do it, do it yourself.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "Nothing",
we will act like nothing is wrong.
We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking unless you're willing to discuss
baseball, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Don't cut your hair. .Ever.

Sometimes he's not thinking of you.
Live with it.

Anything you wear is fine. .Really.

Share the bathroom.

Share the closet.

You brother is an idiot.

No, he doesn't know what day it is.
He never will.
Write anniversaries on a calendar.

Check your oil.

Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Let us ogle. .If we don't look at other women,
how can we know how lovely you are?

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

He is never thinking about The Relationship.
Give it up.

Don't fake it.
We rather be ineffective than deceived.

Soroban · #7 $Old$ August 7th, 2007, 10:50 PM

. . . . . . The Five Questions

According to an article in Sassy magazine, there are five questions
that a woman should never ever ask a man.

The five questions are:
. . 1. What are you thinking?
. . 2. Do you love me?
. . 3. Do I look fat?
. . 4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
. . 5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so dangerous is that every one
is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce
if the man does not answer properly.

1. What are you thinking?

The proper answer is, of course: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.
I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you and and what a lucky guy I am to
have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblence whatsoever to what
the man was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one
of five things.

. . a) Football
. . b) Baseball
. . c) How fat you are.
. . d) How much prettier she is than you.
. . e) How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this question
came from Al Bundy: "If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking
instead of thinking."

2. Do you love me?

The correct answer to this question is "Yes". .For those who feel
the need to elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."

Wrong answer include:
. . a) I suppose so.
. . b) Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
. . c) That depends on what you mean by "love".
. . d) Does it matter?
. . e) Who, me?

3. Do I look fat?

The correct response to this question is to confidently and firmly
state, "No, of courst not!", then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
. . a) Well, not fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
. . b) Compared to what?
. . c) A little extra weight looks good on you.
. . d) I've seen fatter.
. . e) Sorry . . . I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4. Do you think she's prettier than me?

The' "she" in question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by that almost
gave you whiplash, or an actress in a movie you just saw. .In any case,
the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier!'

Wrong answer include:
. . a) Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
. . b) I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
. . c) Yes, but you have a better personality.
. . d) Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
. . e) Sorry, I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. What would you do if I died?

Correct answer: "Dearest, in the event of your untimely demise, life would
cease to having meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the
wheels of the first Domino Pizza truck that came my way." .This is the
stupidest question of all, as illustrated by the folliowing dialogue:

"Dear, what would you do if I died?"
"Why, I would be extremely upset. .Why do you ask?"
"Would you remarry?"
"No, of course not, dear."
"Don't you like being married?"
"Of course I do, dear."
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right, I'd remarry."
"You would?"
"Well ... yes."
"Would you live with her in our house?"
"Um ... it would be very practical."
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
"Ah ... well, yes, I suppose I would,"
"And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"Mmmm ... I suppose, if she wanted to."
"Really? .And would you take down my pictures and put up hers?"
"Yes, I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"And I suppose you'd let her use my golf clubs, too."
"No, she's left-handed." .(Oops!)

ThePerfectHacker · #8 $Old$ August 8th, 2007, 04:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soroban $View Post$

According to an article in Sassy magazine, there are five questions
that a woman should never ever ask a man.

You read girl magazines?

Quote:

1. What are you thinking?

"I am thinking about math."

Or better yet, maybe something more describtive:
"Dear, I am thinking about whether all abelian extensions of cyclotomic fields are unique factorization domains".

That would confuse her, and will not make her angry.

CaptainBlack · #9 $Old$ August 8th, 2007, 04:53 AM

Quote:

1. What are you thinking?

"I am thinking about math."

Or better yet, maybe something more describtive:
"Dear, I am thinking about whether all abelian extensions of cyclotomic fields are unique factorization domains".

That would confuse her, and will not make her angry.

I always say nothing (and when challenged that you must be thinking of
something I just refer back to my last brain scan, where they found nothing)

RonL

Soroban · #10 $Old$ August 30th, 2007, 03:25 PM

Words Women Use

Fine

This is a word used to end an argument.
It means she knows she's right
and just needs to shut you up.

Never NEVER use Fine to
describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have
one of those arguments.

Five Minutes

This is half an hour.
It is equivalent to the five minutes that remains in
your football game before you take out the trash.
It may be considered an even trade.

Nothing

This means Something and you should be alert.
Nothing is used to describe the feeling
a woman has when she wants to kill you.
Nothing usually means an argument
that will last Five Minutes
and end with the word Fine.

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare.
One that result in a woman
getting upset over Nothing
and will end with the word Fine.

Go Head (normal expression)

This means "I give up" or "Do what you want, I don't care."
You will get a raised-eyebrow Go Aheaed in a few minutes,
followed by Nothing and she will talk to you in about
Five Minutes when she has cooled off.

Loud Sigh

This is not actually a word, but is a verbal statement
often misunderstood by men.
A Loud Sigh means she thinks you're an idiot
and wonders why she's wasting her time
arguing with you over Nothing.

Soft Sigh

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.
Soft Sighs are one of the few things
that some men actually understand.
She is content.
You best bet is to not move or breathe,
and she will remain content.

That's Okay

This one of the most dangerous statments.
That's Okay means she wants you to think long and hard
before paying you retribution for whatever you have done.
That's Okay is often used with the word Fine
and used with a raised-eyebrow Go Ahead.
At some point in the near future,
you will be in deep trouble.

Please Do

This is not a statement; it is an offer.
The woman is giving you the chance to justify
whatever it is that you have done.
Be careful and you shouldn't get a That's Okay.

Thanks

The woman is thanking you.
Do not faint.
Just say You're Welcome.

Thanks a Lot

This is much different from Thanks.
A woman says Thanks a Lot when she is furious with you.
It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way,
and it will be followed by the Loud Sigh.
Do not ask what is wrong after her Loud Sigh,
as she will always reply Nothing.

Soroban · #11 $Old$ October 24th, 2007, 03:00 PM

Because I am a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car,
I will fiddle with a wire coat hanger and ignore
your suggestion that we call a road service
until long after hyperthermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if
I know what I'm looking at. .If another man shows
up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all those
computerized parts ..." .Then we will drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch cold, I need
someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You never get sick
as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, when an appliance stops working,
I will insist on taking apart, despite evidence that
it will cost me twice as much once the repairman
gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. .If it has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show while looking for it.
(Though one time I survived by holding a calculator.)

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost.
No, I don't think we should stop and ask someone.
Why would you listen to a complete stranger?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me
what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or sports.
I have to make up something when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me
if I liked the movie.
Chance are, if you cried at the end, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.
What you wore five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, it looks fine.
Your hair is fine.
You look fine.
Can we go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the new millenium,
I will share equally in the housework. You just do the
laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning,
the vaccuming, the shopping and the dishes.
I'll do the rest.

ThePerfectHacker · #12 $Old$ October 24th, 2007, 06:08 PM

I am not that type of man.*

*)And I hate beer. (2.5% alcohol that is womens drink.)

Soroban · #13 $Old$ October 24th, 2007, 10:01 PM

Wife Jokes

We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant:
good food, some wine, and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays . . .

She ran after the garbage truck,
yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"

I asked her, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time."
I said, "How about the kitchen?"

I bought her an electric blender, an electric toaster,
an electric bread maker, etc. etc.
She said, "There's too many gadgets
and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

She's on a new diet: coconuts and bananas.
She hasn't lost very much weight,
but boy, can she climb trees!

We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Florida . . .

I take her everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

She said the car wasn't running well,
there's water in the carburetor.
I asked, "Where's the car now?"
She said, "In the lake."