Movie Cliches

Soroban · #1 $Old$ August 10th, 2007, 11:55 AM

Things I Learned from the Movies

A single match can light up a room the size of the Astrodome.

All telephone numbers begin with 555.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

Cars and trucks that crash will immediately burst into flames.

During all investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road,
it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously.

Any kind of job will make all fathers forget their daughter's recital.

If there is a deranged killer on the loose,
there will be a severe thunderstrom disabling all power and phone lines.

If a large pane of glass is shown, someone will be thrown through it.

If a town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or wild beast,
the mayor's first concern is the tourist trade or the upcoming festival.

Even you can safely land a jumbo jet
providing someone in the control tower talks you down.

Many musical instruments, especially wind and stringed instruments,
can be played without moving the fingers.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to ensure
they are deliberately assigned diametrically opposite partners.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override
the defense system of any invading alien task force.

If you run out of bullets, don't look more ammuniti0n.
Immediately, throw the gun away in disgust.

Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paper clip in seconds,
unless it's on a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Everyone knows the words to the sing you want to sing
and they are all willing to sing back-up for you.

During an emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person,
it is customary to walk behind them and talk to their back.

Staying overnight alone in an old house,
all women must investigate strange noises
in their most revealing nightwear.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story
that affects you personally at that precise moment.

If you must pass yourself off as a German officer,
it will not be necessary to know the language.
A German accent will suffice.

No matter how badly a spaceship is damaged,
its internal gravity system is never compromised.

It is always possible to park directly outside
the building you are visiting.
There are always several spaces;
you never have to parallel-park.

If your phone connection is broken,
communication may often be restored
by tapping the cradle switch repeatedly
and saying, "Hello? Hello?"

Every neighborhood you visit at night
will have at least one barking dog.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

A detective can solve a case only if he has been suspended from duty.

All bombs are filled with electronic timing devices with large red readouts
so everyone knows the exact time of detonation.
And it cannot be disarmed until it reads 00:00:01.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade ... any time of year.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off,
even while scuba diving.

A man will show no pain while taking the most vicious beating,
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

All beds are fillled with special L-shaped sheets
which reach up to the armpits on the woman
but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

At night, a dingy waterfront area in a shabby part of town
will have a sailor and a hooker walking arm-in-arm.

Most families keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings,
especially if a relative has died in a bizarre manner.

You will survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing your buddy
a picture of your hometown sweetheart
and explain your wedding plans.

Megalomaniacs prefer to kill the hero using complicated machinery
involving fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and sharks,
allowing their captives at least 20 minutes to devise an escape.

Large loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable
even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.

An honest, well-liked veteran detective are usually gunned down
a day or two before retirement.

When alone, foreigners perfer to speak English to each other.

When defusing a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut.
You will always choose the right one.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you there.
And you can travel to any part of the building without difficulty.

CaptainBlack · #2 $Old$ August 10th, 2007, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soroban $View Post$

During all investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club.

Not only during a police investigation, I understand that Feynman found
it necessary as a part of scientific research, and I think I can see how it
might help.

Quote:

Any kind of job will make all fathers forget their daughter's recital.

They are looking for an excuse to forget, short of joining the Foreign Legion,
they are invariable dreadful.

Quote:

Even you can safely land a jumbo jet
providing someone in the control tower talks you down.

Anyone can, large passenger planes have been able to land hands off
for at least 20 years if I recall correctly.

Quote:

Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paper clip in seconds,

Done that

Quote:

Every neighborhood you visit at night
will have at least one barking dog.

That's my house thank you.

Quote:

At night, a dingy waterfront area in a shabby part of town
will have a sailor and a hooker walking arm-in-arm.

Anywhere else he need not be a sailor.

RonL

topsquark · #3 $Old$ August 10th, 2007, 03:54 PM

I have come to two conclusions:
1) Soroban has been very bored recently

and
2) He visits the same joke sites I do.

-Dan

galactus · #4 $Old$ August 10th, 2007, 03:58 PM

Here's two more to add the list, Soroban:

Tires always squeal, even on dirt roads.

The hero can be shot through the chest with a .45, but as long as it 'passes
straight through' he's OK.

CaptainBlack · #5 $Old$ August 10th, 2007, 11:03 PM

Crazy ideas, which might just work always do.

One in a million chances always do occur

RonL

galactus · #6 $Old$ August 11th, 2007, 04:40 AM

You can 'hot wire' any car or truck(or is that lorry, CB) just by tieing two wires together you grab from under the dash.

CaptainBlack · #7 $Old$ August 11th, 2007, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by galactus $View Post$

You can 'hot wire' any car or truck(or is that lorry, CB) just by tieing two wires together you grab from under the dash.

I don't think a lorry generally has the screen presence to appear in such a
role in the UK, this part is usualy played by a Transit (white).

RonL

Soroban · #8 $Old$ August 11th, 2007, 02:26 PM

Computers in the Movies

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to hit the spacebar
when typing long sentences.

All monitors display two-inch letters.

(1) High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA and the CIA,
have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
(2) Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells
that can correctly excute commands typed in plain English.
(3) You can gain access to any information
by typing "ACCESS ALL SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data
will be accomplished in under three seconds.

Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities.
Those operating the computer never make mistakes under stress.

Any ACCESS DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

If you display a file on your screen and someone deletes the file,
the writing slowly vanishes from your screen.
There is no way to backup the information
and there are no Undelete utilities.

No matter what kind of computer disk you have,
it will be readable in any system you encounter.
An application software is usable by all computer platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has.
However, everyone must have been highly trained
because the buttons are not labelled.

(1) You can infect a computer with a destructive virus
by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS".
Viruses cause high tempteratures in computers
so that smoke billows out of the drives and monitors.
(2) All computer panels have thousands of volts
and have flashpots just under the surface.
Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash,
a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks,
and an explosion that rocks you backwards.
(3) When the powerplant (missile site, whatever) overheats,
all control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

Any photograph can be have minute details pulled out of it.
You can zoom into any picture as far as you want.
Example
"What's that fuzzy thing in the corner?"
"I don't know; let's check ... It's the murder weapon!"
"Let's look under the bed. .No, just some comic books
(Marvel 1954, very rare). .Let's check the closet shelves ..."

A skilled hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world,
guessing the password in two tries.

(1) Most computers have reality-defying, three-dimensional, real-time,
photo-realistic animated graphics capabilities.
(2) Laptops always have amazing real-time video/phone capabilities
and the performance of a CRAY-MP.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes.
Some can slow down the output on the screen to your reading speed.
A truly advanced computer sounds like a dot-matrix printer
as the characters appear across the screen.

All computers are connected.
You can access information on the villain's computer
even if it's turned off.

galactus · #9 $Old$ August 11th, 2007, 02:56 PM

All powerful computers develop an sentient, evil, artificial intelligence which is bent on destroying the 'human virus'.

Visitors from the distant future, who are used to voice-activated commands and have never seen anything as medieval as a keyboard, can still type 100 or more words per minute (i.e. Scottie in Star Trek, the Voyage Home).

If you access the wrong website, you get sucked into the computer.

ThePerfectHacker · #10 $Old$ August 11th, 2007, 06:12 PM

The hero team wins the game by 1 point in the last 3 seconds of the game.

ThePerfectHacker · #11 $Old$ August 11th, 2007, 09:01 PM

When engaged in a serious gun fight one does never need to reloads.

When about to finish your enemy your gun is empty.

Soroban · #12 $Old$ September 6th, 2007, 06:35 AM

Movie Cliches

Western
"Kiowa ... Fresh tracks ... One, maybe two day.
This many pony ... One paleface ... woman."

Medical Drama
"The answer is here, Lionel, in one of these 300 livers.
The answer is here, but I'm too blind to see it."

Jungle Adventure
"You're describing killer ants, Martha.
Why do you ask?"

Suspense
"Don't open this door for anyone."

Manhunt
"He can't get far in these woods in the dark.
We'll knock off for the night."

Crime Drama
"Why, that's blackmail!"
"Blackmail is such an ugly word."

Science Fiction
"That's funny ... my watch stopped, too."

Teacher Bio
"I didn't fail you, you failed yourself."

Nature
"A close call for the mouse,
but all in a day's work for a hungry hawk."

Western
"And keep running from town to town
until they find me? .No thanks."

Horror
"The AMA has no listing for a Doctor Freiderich Mordor!"

1930s Comedy
"Listen, ya big palooka, do I have to spell it out?
I"m saying there's a bundle from Heaven on the way."
"You mean ... the stork's gonna pay us a visit?"

Vampire
"Why, yes, doctor, the bedroom window was open."

Wildlife Documentary
"But life is not always so amusing for our inquisitive bear cubs ..."

Sports Bio
"Go ahead, kid -- try a few pitches.
(Aside) This oughta be good for a few laughs, Lefty."

POW Camp
"Your tunnel plan just might work, Cogswell,
but what'll we do with the dirt?"

Travelogue
"... is truly a land of contrasts."

Crime Drama
Detective (looking at city below):
"He's out there ... somewhere."

Monster
"He was really two men -- one good, one evil.
It's a pity both of them had to die."

Science Fiction
"It's getting late so we're turning in for the night.
I want you to guard that spaceship or whatever it is.
Keep that rifle close to you, Jake."
"Sure, sheriff, what can happen?"

Swashbuckler
"Zis man you have just insulted.
He is ze best swordsman in all of France!"

Mummy
"This inscription ... it seem to be some sort of curse."

Suspense
"Bill, can you hear me there on the ledge?
This is Mary and Father O'Brien is with me."

Gothic
"That was her room, miss.
The master had it locked the night that ...
But you'll be wanting to see your room."

Wildlife Documentary
"The [animal] is one of the most misunderstood creatures in nature."

Science Fiction
"Safe? . We just bought ourselves a little time.
We've got to convince the world ... they're coming back!"

Private Eye
"You've got four fractured ribs and a concussion.
I'll call for an ambulance."
"Sorry, Doc, I've got some unfinished business.
Hand me my shirt."

Moppet
"How do you do, Mr. Ambassador.
My name is Betsy Miller.
Do you play piggyback?"

Science Fiction
"These things you call diamonds ...
they are common stones on our planet."

War
"I want you to forget what you are about to see."

Romance
"Charles, darling, we heard you were dead. . I missed you so.
Oh, I'm sorry ... Charles, this is Alex, my husband."

Occult
"Mommy, Mommy! Come to my bedroom and see
what some bad person did to Mr. Lindquist."

Courtroom
"I remind you that you're still under oath.
Are you in love with the defendant?"

Western
"It's might quiet out there."
"Too quiet."
"That a coyote?"
"Hope so."
"I heard them Injuns don't attack at night."
"Injuns has heard that, too."

Science Fiction about Miniaturized People
"Meow ..."

Costume Epic
"Guards! Guards!"

Comedy/Romance
"You mean... Gosh, honey, don't you think
you should be sitting down or something?"

Medical Drama
"Visiting hours are up. .You'll have to go now."

Murder
"We'd better not see each other again until after the trial."

Jazz Bio
"Okay, we'll try it one more time
But this time we'll play it my way ..."

Private Eye
"Where to, mister?"
"Follow that cab."

Bob Hope/Danny Kaye/Jerry Lewis Comedy
"Honest, I don't know anything about any missing rubies.
I'm just Joey Hanson, a lousy song and dance man ..."

Disney
"Henry, there's a chimpanzee in our bathtub."
"Come on, Louise, how would he get past the doorman?"

Spy Thriller
"I wish I might stay to watch your slow death, Mr. Bond,
but I must leave to detonate the Washington bomb ..."

Marx Brothers
"Don't point that thing at me -- it might be loaded.
You might be loaded. .You might go off.
As a matter of fact, I wish you would."