Now then, seeing as some people think me to be very funny, I guess I have to live up to that

--------------------

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are

always silent." "As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't

smell and are quite silent." The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady

comes back. "Doctor", she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts - though still silent- really stink terribly." The doctor replies, "Good!!!

Now that we've fixed up your nose, let's work on your hearing... "


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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."


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TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George!

Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Willy: Me!

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.

Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Student: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

Harold: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Harold: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Don: I hope you didn't either.

Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.

Teacher: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence. Max: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defence before detail.

Teacher: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you have?
Sasha: A new bike.

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.

Teacher: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
Class Comedian: Big hands!

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"

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