A Concise Guide to Life - 1
Five things men should never go out smelling like:
1) The five cartons of cigarettes
everyone smoke around you last night.
2) Patchouli oil
3) Any aftershave meant to evoke
where the Big Bad Wolf met Little Red Riding Hood.
4) Anything medicinal, hygenic or cosmetric that is mentholated.
(It doesn't evoke images of a cool mountain stream;
it reminds people of clothes left in storage.)
5) Anyone who keys you don't have.
Four flowers you don't send to anyone you care about:
1) Heloconia and birds of paradise
(unless your intended loves disco.)
2) Carnations
3) Gladiolus
4) Dyed daisies
Five things people don't do anymore:
1) Polish their shoes.
2) Pull out a chair for women, or anyone.
3) Look you in the eye when shaking your hand.
4) R.S.V.P. on time.
5) Remember that a man doesn't shake a woman's hand
unless and until she extends hers.
Nine things people shouldn't do anymore:
1) Talk on a cell phone in a restaurant.
2) Trust their doctors to have all the answers.
3) Assume that cigarette butts aren't litter.
4) Let their VCR continue blinking 12:00.
5) Pack a suede jacket when traveling
to any location damper than Phoenix.
6) Think that "black tie" means tuxedo.
7) Try to raise ficus trees in an apartment.
8) Wash their hair everyday even if it is on the dry side.
9) Pretend that Love is all you need.
Eight elements to successful entertainment:
1) A corkscrew
2) Candles
3) Garlic
4) An '82 Bordeaux
5) A deck of cards
6) An umbrella you can lend
7) A bathrobe softer than terrycloth
8) An extra Interplak attachment
A Concise Guide to Life - 1 
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