Psych Jokes

Soroban · #1 $Old$ March 15th, 2009, 09:44 AM

Psych Jokes

Three inmates are given an exit interview at a mental hospital.
The doctor will release them if they answer a simple math problem:
"What is five times eight?"

The first patient says, "Queen of Spades."
The second patient says, "Thursday."
The third patient says, "Forty."

The doctor authorizes the third patient's release.
As the man is leaving, the doctor asks him
how he came up with the answer so quickly.

"Easy, Doc. .I divided the Queen of Spades by Thursday."

A research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
They sought therapy patients who had been
diagnosed with this disorder.

The response was gratifying.
In three days, they got 3,000 responses
... all from the same person.

When I started Psych 101, the professor said, "Good morning."
We answered and he said, "Ah, you're Freshmen."

He explained, "When I say 'Good morning' and the class answers, they're Freshmen.

If they put down their newspapers and open their books, they're Sophomores.

If they nod over the tops of their newspapers, they're Juniors.

If they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're Seniors.

But if they write it down, they're graduate students."

An elderly man at a retirement home was given a mental acuity exam.

The tester asked, "Which months have 28 days?"

"All of them," said the man.

"Hmmm, that wasn't the answer I was looking for," said the tester,
"but you're right. .What days begin with T?"

"Today and tomorrow," said the man.

"Um, okay.. I'll give you that one, too.
Now you can use a calculator for this last one.
How many seconds in a year?"

"Twelve," said the man.

"Twelve? .How did you get twelve?"

"Simple! .There's January second, February second, ..."

Rose are red,
Violets are blue.
I have MPD
And so do I.

elianna · #2 $Old$ March 26th, 2009, 01:51 PM

In the hospital, where their family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$2000 for a female brain, and $5000 for a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they've been used." (From Sergiu Hart, although he probably got it somwhere else.)

elianna · #3 $Old$ May 5th, 2009, 05:04 AM

Vampire Blood
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

elianna · #4 $Old$ June 4th, 2009, 03:44 AM

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Soroban · #5 $Old$ June 4th, 2009, 08:36 AM

What's the difference between a psychotic and a neurotic?

A psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5.

A neurotic knows that 2 + 2 = 4
but it worries him.