Guide to Singin' the Blues
Most Blues begin "Woke up this mornin' . . ."
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues
unless you stick something nasty in the next line, like:
"I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
The Blues is simple.
After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes, sort of . . .
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like a gator and she weigh five hundred pound."
The Blues is not about choice.
You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch.
There ain't no way out.
Blues cars are: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and old trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or SUVs.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pool ain't in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifesyle.
So does fixin' to die.
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. .They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. .In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough
to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
Bues can take place in New York City or New Orleans,
but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably clinical depression.
Chicago and Kansas City are still great places to have the Blues.
You can't have the Blues anywhere that don't get rain.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg while skiing is not the Blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a gator be chomping on it is.
You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
Go out to the parking lot and sit by the dumpster.
Good places for the Blues:
highway, jailhouse, empty bed, bottom of a whiskey glass.
Bad places for the Blues:
art gallery openings, wine tasting parties, golf courses, Starbucks.
Now one will beieve it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
unless you're an old ethnic person and you slept in it.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
1. you older than dirt
2. you blind
3. you shot a man in Memphis
4. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
1. you have all your teeth
2. you wear corrective contact lenses
3. the man in Memphis lived
4. you have a 401K or a trust fund
Blues is not a matter of color. .It's just bad luck.
Tiger Woods and Dennis Rodman can't sing the Blues.
Ugly people get a leg-up on the Blues.
Acceptable Blues beverages are:
cheap wine, whiskey or bouban, muddy water, old coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
Perrier, Chardonnay, Mountain Dew, Gatorade
If death occur in a cheap hotel, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed by a jealous husband is another Blues death.
So are the electric chair, substance abuse
and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death during a tennis match
or while getting liposuction.
Some Blues names for woman:
Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat River Dumpling
Some Blues names for men:
Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie
People with names like Derek, Randall, Clive,
Amber, Courtney, or Heather can't ever sing the Blues
no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Make your own Blues name with this starter kit:
1) Name of a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
2) Name of a fruit (Lemon, Melon, Lime, etc.)
3) Name of a President (Madison, Jackson, Johnson, etc.)
Examples: Blind Melon Washington, Jackleg Lemon Jefferson.
No matter how tragic your life is,
if you own a computer, you can't sing the Blues.
Guide to Singin' the Blues 
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