Daily Joke thread

[ADARSH]

Since the daily picture thread has not been revised till now

1 joke per post ONLY

Smiling Dead Bodies

Three dead bodies turn over the weekend, all with very big smiles on their faces. Monday morning, the coroner calls the homicide chief to tell him of the weekend's events.

The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72-year-old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"Makes sense," the detective says, scribbling some notes.

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won ten thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"Got it," the Inspector said. "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

"Well, why the heck is she smiling, then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Tragic," the coroner said. "She thought she was having her picture taken."

[ADARSH]

__________________________________________________ _______________
Wasn't Me

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. he stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"duke!" the dad yelled.

"this is great!" the boy thought. "he thinks the dog is farting!" so he let out another one.

"duke!" the father barked. the boy thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"duke! get out of there before the boy **** on you!"

[Soroban]

The seventh grade teacher was teaching American History
and asked the class, "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago'?"

No one replied. .Finally, Mariko, a Japanese exchange student,
raised her hand and said, "Abraham Lincoln, 1864."

"Very good, Mariko. Now, class, who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death'?"

Again, the students looked blank.
Mariko raised her hand and said, "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Thank you, Mariko. .Now, class, I'm very disappointed in you.
You don't remember the most famous quotations. Yet Mariko here,
from another country, knows more American history than you do."

From the back of room came, "#$% Japanese!"

"Who said that?" demanded the teacher.

Mariko raised her hand. ."Lee Iacocca, 1984."

[Moo]

One that I like

I put it in spoiler because of rude language (hey, TPH posted a vid with rude language, so I guess it's okay ? )

Spoiler:

American History 101

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death' ?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki's

"Patrick Henry 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said '...government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki raised his hand: "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point a student said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Who said that?"

Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

With near mob hysteria, someone screams, "You little s**t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki yells, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.

One of the kids says, "Oh s**t, we're in BIG trouble!"

Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

[ADARSH]

Bad Neighbor

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ''You are


charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.''


Then a voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''


The judge continues, ''You are also charged with beating


your daughter to death with a hammer.''


Again the voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge says, ''Now, we cannot have any more of these


outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt!


What is the problem?''


The man at the back of the court says, ''Fifteen years I lived


next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a



hammer he said he never had one!''

[ADARSH]

See the spoiler only if you wont be offended.

Spoiler:

Why You Should Not Believe In What You Hear

Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework:

“Two plus two, the son of a b*tch is four; four plus four, the

son of a b*tch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a b*tch…”


“Johnny !” shouted his mother. “Watch your language! You’re

not allowed to use the swearwords.” “But, Mom,” replied the

boy, “that’s what the teacher taught us, and she said to

recite it out loud till we learned it.”


Next day Johnny’s mother went right into the classroom to

complain. “Oh, heavens !” said the teacher. “That’s not what

I taught them. They’re supposed to say, ‘Two plus two, the

sum of which is four.’"

[ADARSH]

this can be a bit rubbish but there are no banned words actually &....

Spoiler:

Just In Case

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.’What are you going to do,’ the homeowner asks?

‘I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage int he back of the van.’

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner‘What’s the shotgun for?’ asks the homeowner.’
If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!’

[running-gag]

I didn't know where to post so ...

[Soroban]

Two nuns were taking a pleasant evening drive through the countryside.
Suddenly a vampire landed on their hood and held on.

Sister Helen swerved the car repeatedly, but the vampire held on.
"Sister Mary," she said, "Throw our garlic at him!"

Sister Mary reached out her window and pelted the vampire with garlic.
He winced and snarled but held on.

"Sister Mary," said Sister Helen, "Throw our holy water on him!"
Sister Mary reached out and splashed him with holy water.
He cringed and moaned but held on.

"Sister Mary," said Sister Helen, "Show him your cross!"
Sister Mary lean out the window, shook her fist at him
and said, "Get off our $#?% car!"

[ThePerfectHacker]

Originally Posted by Moo

hey, TPH posted a vid with rude language, so I guess it's okay ?

This makes me laugh, because Moo treats me as if might makes right.
Whenever she wants to explain why something is right she justs says that I done it once.
---

Here is a joke that I really love (it is a more adult joke so click on spoiler).

Question: What is the difference between my girlfriend* and a baby?

Spoiler:

I do not kiss my girlfriend after sex.

*)Not that I actually have one, because of jokes like that!

[Soroban]

Did you hear about the newlyweds that mistook K-Y Jelly for window putty?

Spoiler:

All their windows fell out.

And just where was your mind?

[Chris L T521]

Read at your own discretion!! XD

Spoiler:

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

[pickslides]

Q. What's brown and sticky?











































































A. A stick

[bebrave]

[Moo]

Mathematical joke - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia